I got my bed moved and my room cleaned up, my room doesn't smell like Nich anymore. Hopefully that will put a stop to the nightmares. I had a burning too, that should help a lot. It worked with Rado. Speaking of, lately I've had a lot of thoughts about the things I enjoyed when I was with Rado and if I was so lost and because of the things I did while I was with him if I really deserved the life I had with Jamal. Granted, no girl deserves a lot of the things I've been through, but I'm the one who keeps going after the "bad boys" I really thought Wes was the change to that. I guess if I hadn't been so fucking mental maybe he and I would have grown together, but I wanted to much from him and I suffocated him, as I've been known to do with most things I "love".
Music is HUGE memory trigger for me. The song I'm listening to now Plies ~ Shawty, will forever take me back to my apartment in CR and that last night with Rado, and knowing it was my last night..he still didn't stay. He's spent nights with me since then, but only since I moved back from Chicago. Solid 4 Rado. I used to be. I would have done anything for him, and I did give up basically everything to be with him. Good thing the people who love me...LOVE ME! no matter my stupid mistakes or fuck ups. But Rado is someone I see myself never really getting over. I have a feeling he will always creep in my mind when I can't sleep.
Rick doesn't really have that effect on me. I honestly just want to make his life better. I don't think he or I will ever trust or forgive the other. It would be too much like Alicia's parents trying to make it work after so much time. It's a hurt that doesn't heal...kinda like a blister...but it never gets popped...it's always just sore as hell...maybe not always so much on the surface after time..but I know there are things about being with Rick that I remember, but why with him do I tend to remember the bad, but with Rado I remember the good, and with Jamal the bad....Odd...I wonder how my mind chooses who it wants good thoughts of and who it wants the bad thoughts of.
I honestly believe Rado was the first person I really loved. I think I had love for Rick, but really just wanted out of Kansas. He was a ticket, a free ride. I did want to be with him, but I don't think I was old enough to get married and if I really cared about him the way I should have I would have gotten off my ass and tried harder.
I know I had love for Wes, but I think he wanted to "save" me. Heh...Ask Alicia how well saving me works....
So...Nich's smell was banished from my room....*sigh*
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