For you...I'll swallow the ocean...

Dreamless sleep...Still laying here counting sheep...
Hearing the rain...hearing you call my name...
I reach for you when I can't sleep...only to find thin air...
You aren't here...you aren't there....
Watching the water stream down the pane...as my tears do the same...
I never saw this pain coming...or I never would have ran...

Falling Together...

My life is falling together. The hardest part is that as I pull the pieces of my puzzle away from the life I've been leading it leaves holes in other's puzzles. I know that's scary because I've been there. I can't live a life that I don't choose. I have a hard time fitting in any mold set in front of me. It's like looking at an acorn and saying, "Be a TREE!". It doesn't work. It takes a lot of time and sometimes you have to find a new acorn. I've lived my life mostly for others, except for a few months when I first moved to Iowa. I had never lived on my own before then. I made it though. I made mistakes, then some more mistakes, then some worse mistakes. Although, now I'm here trying to right my wrongs and it takes twice as long. I guess basically I'm just ready to live, or slow down, or a nice combo of the two. I want everyone to be happy but I realize I can't fix everything, nor is it my responsibility to fix anything for anyone else. I'm scared, but I'm not alone. It's an uphill battle, but things are looking up and I have soldiers by my side. I may be living life for me, but that doesn't make me selfish.

As the tears run down my cheeks...

I can't get you out of my head...I want to reach out to you, but I know it will only end up hurting me more...and making both our lives harder. I made mistakes, I think you made a mistake in forgiving me. You should have walked away at Christmas, you should have not answered all the times I came back....I want to smell you, feel the warmth of your skin as I sleep. I want to love you, I always make so many mistakes. I"m tired of the mistakes...I really am...I want to hear your voice in a place other than my dreams. I think we could have been great, had I not been a whore. I've always been a whore. I am going to do my best to be my best if I ever get a chance again. I want to smile again...and laugh...and feel the kind of love you gave me...I wish we had all the chances that we should have had, I wish I would have worked harder, tried harder, got us outta that house and on our own...we might have made it then..we might have been strong enough, you might have had enough control then....but we will never know as I struggle to let go...

silent killer

Depression is a silent killer. It creeps in my brain and makes me tear up. I've sat here wanting to cry off and on....I want to send Nich an email but it's not going to help, I know it will only cause more drama. Last night wasn't really that fun. It's hard to go through life not knowing who to believe and who to trust. Just when I think it's all figured out and things are mellow....BAHAM! I get hit with another lie...my head hurts, it has hurt for like two days. I just want my heart to race again...to feel that love that flutter....

Dave was here today. It was nice to actually see him..somewhere other than the gas station....He is a really nice guy, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship..although he is pretty high up on the list.

To Nich!

Get out of my head seriously. Why do you think you need to be there, wasn't it enough you thought you could control me when we were together. So what if I miss you, that doesn't change me not wanting to be with you. GAWD DAYUM! Crawl your ass out of my mind, please?!

Stop invading my dreams. Stop stalking my movements. I want to be free, and I don't think I'll know freedom for a long time. There is so much I want to say. So much I want to tell you about how you made me feel, and the fucked up part is you are still making me feel it. TWO WEEKS! I made it longer this time than I ever have. Shouldn't it be getting easier? You'd think?! OMG BATMAN please stop following me. Please stop being in my dreams. Just stop it. I know I can't stop you. but I really wish you would give up whatever it is you are trying to prove....

Got something good done today...

I got my bed moved and my room cleaned up, my room doesn't smell like Nich anymore. Hopefully that will put a stop to the nightmares. I had a burning too, that should help a lot. It worked with Rado. Speaking of, lately I've had a lot of thoughts about the things I enjoyed when I was with Rado and if I was so lost and because of the things I did while I was with him if I really deserved the life I had with Jamal. Granted, no girl deserves a lot of the things I've been through, but I'm the one who keeps going after the "bad boys" I really thought Wes was the change to that. I guess if I hadn't been so fucking mental maybe he and I would have grown together, but I wanted to much from him and I suffocated him, as I've been known to do with most things I "love".

Music is HUGE memory trigger for me. The song I'm listening to now Plies ~ Shawty, will forever take me back to my apartment in CR and that last night with Rado, and knowing it was my last night..he still didn't stay. He's spent nights with me since then, but only since I moved back from Chicago. Solid 4 Rado. I used to be. I would have done anything for him, and I did give up basically everything to be with him. Good thing the people who love me...LOVE ME! no matter my stupid mistakes or fuck ups. But Rado is someone I see myself never really getting over. I have a feeling he will always creep in my mind when I can't sleep.

Rick doesn't really have that effect on me. I honestly just want to make his life better. I don't think he or I will ever trust or forgive the other. It would be too much like Alicia's parents trying to make it work after so much time. It's a hurt that doesn't heal...kinda like a blister...but it never gets popped...it's always just sore as hell...maybe not always so much on the surface after time..but I know there are things about being with Rick that I remember, but why with him do I tend to remember the bad, but with Rado I remember the good, and with Jamal the bad....Odd...I wonder how my mind chooses who it wants good thoughts of and who it wants the bad thoughts of.

I honestly believe Rado was the first person I really loved. I think I had love for Rick, but really just wanted out of Kansas. He was a ticket, a free ride. I did want to be with him, but I don't think I was old enough to get married and if I really cared about him the way I should have I would have gotten off my ass and tried harder.

I know I had love for Wes, but I think he wanted to "save" me. Heh...Ask Alicia how well saving me works....

So...Nich's smell was banished from my room....*sigh*

A lot on my mind....

I have a lot on my mind tonight, and the more I think about it the more I realize I need to journal, get some of it out and on paper, or in this case on screen. Either way my brain is over full and I need to purge some of my mental stigma before I lose it again.

Lets start somewhere....

Nich. It seems basic, I broke up with him because of the way things had become, it wasn't all his fault, it wasn't all my fault....It just wasn't working. I wasn't happy. BUT...here comes the kicker. I MISS HIM! Like crazy, to the point of tears at times..miss him. 10 days...it's been TEN LONG HARD DAYS! I made a choice and I am trying my damnedest to stick to it. Come hell or high water (it is raining like crazy) I am going to make it past this and be a better person for it. I have nightmares because of him, and things he's said. I have to remember that there is a reason I didn't want to be with him. There were good times, but I can't think about those right now, maybe later, maybe eventually, but while I'm "getting over" him I need to focus on the things I didn't like, the things that hurt me. Speaking of getting over someone, I don't think you ever really get over someone, I think you just learn to live with the choices you made while with them.


Seems like things in my life should have leveled out. But they aren't. Alicia seems to have lost her damn mind. She's all ga ga over some guy she's only known two weeks. I dunno. I don't get it. But I do know I'm tired of trying to convince her to wait. I'm just tired.

I haven't been sleeping at night. I wake up three or four times, and not that wake up and go back to sleep wake up. That wake up for an hour or more wake up. Who knows, I sure don't.

Owen is doing great. Learning, growing, just being a good kid. I feel like he's mine. It's weird in my mind. It doesn't always make sense.

Diet? What diet? You mean peeps, beef jerky, and donuts aren't a good diet?

I've recently started a new hobby/ search for friends. I wrote a letter to someone in a prison. I thought a pen pal might be a good way to find myself. Find out who I really am and what I really like. Rejection isn't even something I've thought about. I'm just glad I'm doing the things I want without worrying about who is going to judge me....

So in conclusion for now...I feel better....finally....